Make the most of life

Quitting All Bad Habbits!!!!

2011-08-14T15:11:00.002-06:00

So today I was thinking that it was going to be a day to quit smoking and drinking cold turkey. I wanted to blog this so I can montier my progress. I know this is not going to be easy but very much well worth the end results. I am coming back into myself and want very much to be influenced by me and no drugs at all. I have had such a pit in my stomach about so much that is going on in my life and finding that in stead of me dealing with it I am running from it though my bad habits.
The next thing I will conquer is my self respect in finding myself that I deserve to be in a very happy and healthy relationship where respect is. Whether I fix the things that I need to fix and things work out with Tom, or with someone new. All good and bad things at some point come to an end. I just don't give up so easy and maybe I should be the writting is on the wall here I guess I just havn't come to peace with this yet. So I will keep up on my bloggs and see where we go from here.

Accountability

2011-08-01T22:01:00.002-06:00

I have to say if you are willing to learn about life lessons they are sure are here to teach you. Through pain and growth. With letting go and not having expectations or are willing to dig and figure out what makes you tick. I feel that I am learning some of my hardest lessons now. Learning to take responsibility of my actions and the consequence of them. And to love despite them. And more importantly to love myself! I feel I have been so numb for so long and to feel is so very deep. I know that I am a very special person and have so much to offer someone when the time is right. I have taken in so much lately down to watching how bugs interact to enjoying the rain and feeling the joy in simple things. Life has so much to teach me. It is so very hard to let go and let things happen were they may be. But as my son gets older I have to learn to do the same thing one day he will go out and live his live with out me. I have to respect certain things and responsibility for my own actions. I try to live my life to love and let live. Life has its own lessons with that. I write to know one but my self as a reminder of how much pain I have lived. And how much pain I let go and how much love and life there is to live. I have quit smoking and drinking and learning to cope with my emotions as they come. Wow life is painful but yet rewarding at the same time.

Hanging on by a thread

2010-12-22T19:19:00.003-07:00

I know that life is constantly turning and bending. What I have to do now is to clamp down and hold on to dear life. I feel that I am on a ride that will make or break me. I feel so alone and no one to turn to. I cant help but ask God what lessons I need to learn or what paybacks I am receiving. I have pain in my stomach that will not leave. I guess life comes in threes. I have ended my relationship with Tom, and now he is moving on. That hurts I have tried to put a band aid on that one and live in denial that it doesn't hurt. Then I met someone else, he came in and won my heart over he got me to say I love you. Normally I don't put myself out their like that but my philosophy has been lately. That I would rather love than not love at all. I don't like to dwell on the past I just want to push forward. And needless to say he came in and broke my heart. The third I am taking a break from my family. I am not sure if I will ever contact them again. My family is so not the family that I need nor do I want to have in my life right now. I do not know how to do fake. And that is my family. I love my brothers so so so very much and would do anything for them. I just am at a crossroads in my life. I hope that when I come out on the other side of this I will be a much stronger and better person. I know that life offers so much more. And life is also what you make of it.
Writing for me is all I have I want to just lay down and not wake. I have a beautiful son that I am so trying to be strong for.. This day to will pass and I keep trying to tell myself that life will get better. I will just take one day at a time.
Please forgive me who ever reade's this. This is just where I am right now.

EMBRACE

2010-12-20T16:31:00.003-07:00

Well today is another day of healing. I'm not sure whether I want to laugh, cry, or scream. I am not sure why I have to learn hard lessons in life. All I have been doing is looking inward to fix me so that I don't make the same mistakes anymore. Oh well life here we come. Embracing more stuff, thank you so much for the lessons in my life. I could look at this as I have failed at another relationship or look at it as. I have just embraced life more in the moment and am learning what ever comes my way however that is. I have a pit in my stomach that is killing me. And a son that is heart broken that his mother dragged him through another dead beat man.

So all I can do now at this point is to pull my head out and get back up on the horse and start riding again. I just wish the tears would flow, maybe another day, or moment. I think I needed this so I can learn to believe in myself that I can make it on my own financially. I can but if I had a break it would be great ya right. I have my son and that is all I need. My heart aches for him.
I will say this the Universe is amazing I don't even have to kick a man to the kerb it does it for me. It knows what kind of person I deserve, and if they are not good enough it eliminates them from my life. This really is a good thing and thank you Universe for loving me enough. And I will love and embrace all that comes my way.

2010-12-13T01:09:00.002-07:00

Today has been such an inspiring day for me. My out look in life is to turn everything negative into something possitive. I have so much in life to be greatful for. My life experieces have made me the woman I am today, I never thought I would say this I am so glade to be alive. I have so much to be greatful for. I have spent the last 15 years of my life having a death wish, and I have found a way to embrace life to the fullest. Everyday is so new and exciting I am always thinking about who is coming into my life and what lessons I am going to learn. I pray the Universe will be kind to me and give gentle lessons.

I am not sure my path on this earth is to find a man or have one in my life. But if their is one for me all I know is that I have to keep myself clean from all of my chaos. And be truly happy with me, that is my desire. I know that I am a great catch I used to question that. This I know I have so much to offer a relationship but I have yet to meet a man that has anything to offer me. So in the mean time me here we come.
I am so excited to get to know her more, Josiah's is helping me get intouch with my inner child and I am embracing this. I just need to stay one step ahead of him and suprise him more. When I see the light in his eyes light up for me it is one of the most amazing things ever.
Josiah you are my light my love my everything and I promise to spend the rest of our lives showing you just that. What you have tought me is that life is so so fragile and all you have is now. Now is what matters the most, Thank you my son, for picking me to be your mother and trusting your self in my care. I love you so much and am so proud of you and to be your mother.

Why Cant People Just Be Real???

2010-12-12T01:47:00.002-07:00

So it has been such a long time since I have blogged. Life seems to make the most amazing turns. One minute going in one direction and then the next a complete 360. One thing I have learned over the past 2 years is that no one really is who they claim to be. It is almost as if people live 2 different lives at once. I have had my faith in myself tested and tested again. The one thing I can say is that I have to make sure I am living in the now and making sure I live up to what I am and what I say.
So much has happened my relationship with Tom has now ended. I am not quite sure how to feel about that. I have not yet started the grieving process. And our relationship has been over for almost 4 months now. And 6 months prior to me moving out. My life is turning so fast. It is really sad how you can have so many people in your life and the next none. I feel as if the world is looking at me saying what are you going to do now.

I have a much much stronger relationship with my son now than ever before. It is just him and I moving through life. He is teaching me so much, I just want him to know everyday how much he means to me. You are my life my son, and their is nothing I wouldn't do for you. No mountain is to high for me to climb and no ocean to deep for me to swim. You are my world thank you so much for being my light at the end of the tunnel. I am so very proud of the young man you are becoming.

MY LIFE

2008-10-11T09:32:00.004-06:00

I would like to tell you about my life-where I was born, the places I've lived, my life experences from the good to the bad, some of the hurdles I've over come and the accomplishments I've achieved.

I was born in Southern Utah. I lived there till I was about two years old, then moved to Montana, lived there about a year, then moved back down to Southern Utah for about five years. Along the way, I have had some hurdles to get over. I was born into a polygamist family; my father had two wives. My mother was the second wife. I am the second oldest of eight children. When I was seven (almost eight) we came up to Salt Lake to visit my grandparents on my mother's side like we did every year with out my dad. But that year my father called and said he did not want us back. He sent a moving truck up to drop off our stuff and that was the last day that he was my father as I knew him. Two years later my mother remarried to a man who had four wives (my mother was the fifth wife). We moved from Sandy to Herriman where I lived for six years.

My education was not a priority to my mother; I went from kindergarten to sixth grade. My mother did not know what to do with her younger children while she went to work so she pulled me out of school at the end of sixth grade to be a full time care giver to her five younger children. I did this until I was fifteen; then I moved out, bought a car (which I paid for in cash) lied about my age, and got a job being a nanny. I had a full-time job and a car at the age of fifteen. At the age of sixteen, I drove myself to drivers' ed and got my license. I kept my nanny job for about two years.

When I turned eighteen, I decided that I needed a better job, so I started working for a printing company. I did almost every job in that company; I started at the bottom and worked my way up to a manager. When I turned 20, I bought some real-estate, quit my job to remodel my property, and started a new career.

Well, from this point on, I had some hurdles to over come. Over the next two years, my whole world started to crumble down. My relationships went bad as a resut of my emotional issues from my child hood. This put me in a position to start looking at my life where I was then, and where I wanted to see myself in the future.

At the age of twenty-two, I met a man and got pregnant with my son. He, of course, left me, and I was forced to raise my son on my own. I moved back home with my mother and tried to reaise my son the best I could. I started my own business cleaning houses to support myself and to have a flexible schedule so I could stay home with my son. I lived with my mother until my son was sixmonths old and then got a place of my own.

I am a positive person and always try to look at a bigger picture. My bigger picture over the past five years has been to provide a stable environment by being home as much as possible for my son and put my education and career on hold. When my son turned five, I started going full force with my education. Starting with my high school diploma, which I got in four months comming in with no credits. Then taking a four month break and got my generals done in Humanities. Now after taking another six month break I am starting Massage Therapy. I have always tried to educate my self as much as possible as you can see.
Over the past twelve years, I have learned to help myself through self help books, and sharing my story. To help with the abuse of my childhood from being raised in a fundamentalist organization.

As I move forward, I am continuing to set goals for my self, and accomplishing them one by one. My son is now seven, and have enjoyed setting an example for him to follow. I am in a healthy relationship of three in a half years. Everything around my is positive, and it feels great because I have created this all on my own. Life, to me is about the choices you make. Despite the obstacles I 've experienced, I have made the choice to move forward and to continue to accomplish my dreams.

2008-09-30T11:01:00.003-06:00

I have been contemplating these questions for quite sometime so I decided to write a poem that I would like to share with you.

Life

Have you ever stopped to listen to the silence that surrounds you?

Have you wanted to freeze time to reflect, on moments that have passed you?

Have you stopped growing due to thoughts, of change that might surround you?

Have you grasped love or pain in it's entirety?

Have you pondered and reflected the obstacles in front of you?

Have you taken a moment a moment to think about death, and what that means to you?

Have you reflected on life in it's entirety?

Have you thought to acquire from others their strengths and weakness, and learn the lessons of life that surrounds you?

Have you in an instant contemplated the complexity of love and what that might bring to you?

Have you is not the question but will you, take a moment to, live, love, reflect, grasp, and listen, and after doing this now you can take a moment to breath, for now you know that you are alive.

By: Maleta 9/24/07

MY SKYDIVE

2008-09-17T14:33:00.007-06:00

In August me, Tom, and my two brothers Steven, Mike, and his wife Marcy went skydiving. This all started with asking Steven what he would like to do for his birthday. Then Michael said hey what about me, and can Marcy go as well? I was so very excited and nervous at the same time. The count down was on I wanted to back out but how could I do that I was the one who put this together. I had to be the bigger sister and set the example right? Well the day of the jump Michael came to pick Tom and I up from our house and nobody could eat we were all no nervous. When we got there we had to sign a disclaimer that if we died the sky diving place would not be held responsible. I am thinking yeah right now getting more nervous. Oh well here goes we all sign, before this I had called my mom to ask her if she wanted to come up and watch "she said no way I will not watch my kids die" so we went up and did our jump with out her watching. They split our group up so Marcy and I went up first and showed the men how it was done. Marcy was the first out of the plane I was second to the last and the person in front of me was totally freaking out which made it even harder to jump.
The moment I jumped the feeling of butterflies were not there just this feeling of I am falling and nothing can stop that which I have to admit was scary. But being strap this close to a good looking man hey why not enjoy the ride so that is what I did. If you ever think of skydiving please please go through ogdenskydive.com we did research and they are the best!!!!!!!!

I have to say this was one of the most memorable experiences of my life. I loved being able to share this experience with my brothers seeing there excitement and possibly dying having fun. I wish moments like this could last forever. Don't get me wrong I don't have a death wish but if you are to dye wouldn't you like to die doing something fun???? Of course I landed safe and sound on the ground you have a better chance of dying in a car wreck than skydiving.
I would recommend it to anyone, by the was yes I am still scared of hights this is a much different feeling like you are flying......

What is reality?

2008-07-08T23:53:00.000-06:00

I am who I am nothing can change that. Who I become tomorrow will only effect what I was yesterday. I have spent my life living but when my past started to become my present is when I realized that it was time to make some changes today. I have been living my life for everybody else so today I am making some changes for me. I will not be hurt by what anyone else has to say or anything about my past that affects my present will not have hold on me as a person living today. I am free of all boundaries and limitations I am free of anyone else’s fears. I am me and will always be. The tears when they come I will welcome for I am a product of my past and a woman of emotion. But when I look up to the birds while listening to their sweet voices I will know that I am alive and living for a moment. My tears flow just as a river flows from a beautiful mountain. My heart loves like a child with out conditions

Contemplations of life

2008-07-08T23:33:00.003-06:00

What makes life so meaningful? Is it the what you accomplished in the day or is it what accomplished you in a day? I have been so bussy with the everyday things that you have to do in a day that I forget what it takes to just enjoy what life has to offer. What is motherhood? Is it a role you play being good mom verses bad mom? I feel this is a game that I have to play being a single mother. What one parent says verses the other. For example my son does not have to clean up at his dad's house but at my house he does does that make me the most horrible mother? The smallest of battles that we have to deal with on a everyday basis's can be the most memorable. Meaning if my son died tomorrow was his room so horrible that I had to yell at him or ground him to make my point. If something happened to him would I feel bad and live my life with regret that the last words out of my mouth was as such? How do you teach discipline and live with out regret? I am caught up in this world that life is to short to live with out regret. My son brings this up to me tonight that if I am so up set with him would I feel sorry for how I acted tomorrow if he was gone? I did not know how to answer that question.

I still feel that I have to hold to my guns and keep him responsible in teaching him how to clean etc... but maybe find another form of discipline. If a six year old is asking questions like this maybe I am doing something wrong.